I have found it hard to concentrate on much else, until I
write exactly what has been going on. I haven’t posted anything really about
returning home for Yap, for one reason alone: every time I start to write a
blog about it, or every time I sit down and try and express what I have been
feeling I can’t. No words seem to justify the feelings that are going on. But
just as a disclaimer: I would NOT trade my year away on Yap for anything. But I
need to get this out, get off my chest.
It’s no lie when they say it will be hard coming back.
Coming back to America I can’t describe as culture shock, simply because this
is my culture. I know what goes on here, it’s not like I am being immersed in a
new culture for the first time, but rather I see all the imperfections of the
culture. When I landed in Detroit, I was so excited to be home, to be somewhere
that was familiar and safe, somewhere I could recover from the sickness I had
been dealing with for 4 months. The feeling of seeing your family, and being
back somewhere you have lived for your whole life, is an amazing feeling. But
that wore off.
Don’t get me wrong; it’s still nice to be home. It’s still
wonderful to have my family within driving distance and know that I have
immediate medical care right around the corner, or know that I can go get
something at the store anytime day or night, or go walk around all by myself
and not really worry about what is going to happen to me. It’s nice. But
somewhere along the line, people forget that you have come back. People forget
that you have left a piece of your heart somewhere, somewhere your heart still
longs to be, somewhere you have come to love. People think that it’s easy to
come back, it’s not.
The past month has been extremely hard for me. I have
suffered from extreme guilt, where once I was so busy and so involved in
everything and now when I sit down and relax I feel things extreme guilt that I
should be doing something productive all the time. So I try and keep myself
busy, but there are sometimes where there is literally nothing you can do, and
the guilt weighs done on you like a black cloud bringing a storm, and on top of
that depression. A depression where I have no idea where it is coming from. I
have no explanation for why it’s there, and people ask me if I am ok, and I say
I’m fine, because I have no idea how to describe what I am feeling. And I can’t
expect people to know.
I feel lonely, yet am surrounded by hundreds of people.
You’ve heard the expression “Everyone has a God sized hole
in their hearts.” Well I believe after being immersed in service that the God
sized hole gets bigger. And I didn’t know what to do with it. I tried to fill
it with things, but didn’t realize until lately that it needed to be filled
with God. I have no opportunities for the grandeur service that I am used to,
while taking classes. But I do know that right now, in this time in my life,
God is not calling me to be in a huge mission field, but is calling me to be a
missionary in my sphere of influence, to touch the lives that are around me.
Although this is huge transition, I am trust that God is going to take care of
me.
I’m not saying all this for sympathy and love. I simply am
getting these feelings out there so that you can be praying for us, returning
missionaries. It’s not easy! These
feelings are overwhelming sometimes. Some days it’s all you can do to hold it
together. Pray for us.
I’m still learning, I will never stop! But I know one thing;
God has big plans for my life. This season that I’m going through now, I have
no idea if it will end, right now, there is no end in sight. Part of my heart
is in Yap, it will always be. But I know that God called me there, and He will
help me get through these feelings as well.
I still don’t know if any of this makes sense, but I hope
you get at least a glimpse of something that really can’t be explained. I’m
changed. I see the world differently. Things that were once important to me,
aren’t anymore.
Pray. Please pray.
Here is a song I wrote write before I left Yap. I was
feeling homesick, but also realized that I would be homesick for Yap when I
left as well.
Misplaced
Home is calling my heart
I’m falling apart
To see the loved ones I know
I just want to go
But I’m to far away
So I will just stay
But I miss you
I miss everything
And I love you
With every song that I sing
And I will be home
Where my heart belongs
But I will be forever misplaced
‘Cuz I'll be leaving my heart in this place.
He is calling my heart I’m torn apart
He looked inside me
When He died on that tree
But He left us today
But not to stay
And I miss you
I miss everything
And I love you
With every song that I sing
And I will be home where my heart belongs
But I will be forever misplaced
‘Cuz I’ll be leaving my heart in this place.
Soon home will be in our hearts and hands
Together we will work for that day, when He will say
I’ve missed you
I’ve missed everything
and I love you,
and I love you,
With every song that I sing
And you are home
Where your heart belongs
And you don’t have to feel misplaced
‘Cuz you can leave your heart in this place
I long for Heaven where everybody form every place I love is
there. No more separation. Where my heart can finally be home.
Here is me singing the song, not the best quality because it was recorded on my iPhone.
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